Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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