talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize