Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize
