I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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