I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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