I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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