dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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