dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
