Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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