Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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