i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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