Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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