1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize