I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
