There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
