He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
