He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
