it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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