Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I faked an abortion last night.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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