Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
