She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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