shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
