she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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