The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
