I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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