Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize