well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
