I accidentally burped into my bong.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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