Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Randomize
