So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
