I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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