Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize