tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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