Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize