Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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