Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
