If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize