My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
