Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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