There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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