Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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