3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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