i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
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who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
