Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
