Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
