I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
