I think i sorta joined a cult last night
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it was like eating out sand paper
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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