My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
