Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
