I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
