Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
