I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
