Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
