Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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