I can text with my tongue
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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