The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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