Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
