woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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