It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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