I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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