Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
