Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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